by Staff Reporter

After six years as a hyper-popular hyperlocal news outlet in DC’s Ward 4, Petworth News has agreed to be acquired by an as-yet unnamed national media conglomerate for an as-yet unannounced sum of money. The site will get a new, innovative name and concept: “Washington News — at Night!” The concept is an overnight news outlet for late night workers and those who can’t sleep because of stress.

“When I started Petworth News, I never expected it to be more than a Facebook page for a few thousand people,” said founder Drew Schneider. “Maybe share a few Petworth memes, notes from an ANC meeting, maybe some good cookie recipes… but now it’s going to be a much larger news website serving all of DC, most specifically those who can’t sleep at night.”

The new Washington News at Night website provides late night news and entertainment for those working the overnight shift, the essential workers who keep the city and Federal government going.

“This vastly underserved community used to only be able to read news that’s hours old, maybe no longer applicable to their needs,” said the SVP of Public Affairs from the new conglomerate. “Now, with Washington News at Night, we’ll serve those essential people across the city with the news they need, at night!”

Late night and insomniac readers will find stories about wee-hours night life, videos such as how to use SAD light therapy to stay perky, best streets whose traffic lights stay green, interviews with random people on the street (sure to be interesting at 3am!) and of course, Sudoku.

“This is an awesome idea,” said local NPR reporter Marty Austinmuler. “Wish we had thought of it.”

“We think people who toss and turn and for the life of them just can’t get comfortable will be able to come to Washington News and find something amazing to put them to sleep,” said a spokesperson for Washington News at Night. “Plus, with the money from this sale, Drew can pay off his Petworth rowhouse mortgage and move to a house that has a pool, maybe even an outdoor kitchen.”

Thanks Petworth, it’s been a fun ride!

It’s also an April Fool’s joke… ;)